Broken and it’s beautiful

We sometimes call ourselves superwoman/superman depending on how we feel in the present moment. Some days we are so broken we cannot feel our own strength. Some days we feel the whirlwind of change, we feel the stagnation of our own mindset, we feel the fears, we feel the overwhelming urge to either shut down or to stand up and fight. We can’t value light without the darkness. We cannot value the sun without the cold. We are all broken inside, we are all healing from one thing or another but it brings out the beauty of what we are made of.

So many sad stories out there. We are still writing the pages or our lives..chapter by chapter. Friendships are challenged.. marriages are lonely.. relationships bring us to our core. Triggers force us to take a look at the deepest parts of us. It forces us to face.. it forces us to heal. And the mirror is held in front of us by everyone we meet.. teaching us so much of ourselves. We are so brave at times.. we can put those feelings aside and move forward standing in our light .. pushing forward. It isn’t easy.. but this dance is so beautiful. So graceful at times.. but not forgetting the strength that allowed us that grace.

Our steps .. sometimes so light .. sometimes so free.. sometimes so chained.. sometimes so loud.. it makes up the dance.. it makes up the music we dance too. How we feel moves our body.. some days we sit and hold on to our knees and bury our heads and some days we stand so tall and beautiful. Our radiance is always there nonetheless.. Just hiding underneath the debris of our own soul.

Broken but beautiful .. we are unique.. sometimes accepted.. sometimes not.. sometimes left without reason.. sometimes loved beyond boundaries.. the limitlessness of who we are .. who we need to be .. who we crave to be.. all these whirlwinds that make us up. If one only listen to their breathing sometimes become grateful. Do we forget the broken parts inside of us though? How can we? it is the broken pieces that make us the beautiful person we are. Some of us battle so many anxieties.. we hold on to ourselves and sometimes fail at being who others want us to be. Most times we fail at who we want to be first. But those broken pieces will be the stepping stones to something brighter if we choose to use it for growth.

Be the superwoman / superman you know yourself to be.. Dance this dance with grace, with your fears, with your broken pieces.. embrace them .. breathe .. be grateful and take the next step to creating your own masterpiece.

God bless the broken road ..it leads us to the path of enlightenment.

When the heart bleeds

Today scrolling through instagram there were so many post of the murder of a 23 year old girl. Just like any other day she jumped into a licensed taxi only to face her death not long after. How it haunts me thinking of the minutes before her death, what the soul was enduring and what her family and friends were facing in her disappearance. Almost 8 years ago facing the murder of my mother in law those same haunting thoughts of the people we love going through so much pain and anguish.

In the moments after death takes place we console ourselves with the words “they are in a better place” and maybe that is true but for us being left behind the torture of the acts still fill our damaged hearts. It takes an instant in a newspaper article or a post anywhere to trigger the trauma of that feeling. It takes a similar story to bring back all those moments, the fear, the waiting to find out if they are alive or not.. the horrific thoughts that continue to rush in even when you try so very hard to get past it.

Someone said to me “I don’t think anyone can make someone else happy”, I disagree, if that was true the depth of the pain when you lose someone would not exist. To be happy within yourself takes so much time and effort but in reality the people that love us play a role as well. Some push the person they love away because it is easiest to do. But if that same person were to die tomorrow would they regret it? Maybe, maybe not but I think we all know the answer to that.

How hard it is sometimes when we ourselves are murdering our own being. When we sit day by day basking in the misery of our own mistakes, punishing ourselves for the past that willl never return. Does the lover that gives everything feel any different to the person that just lost a loved one? Different levels of pain maybe? But when you sit and watch the triggers damage your already bleeding heart what else is there ?

We sit in our own pain and think sometimes that it is the end and within ourselves we believe that but the parents that just lost a child to murder wishes to trade places with you. The man that just lost his arm or sight wishes too trade places. The list can go on, so many wishes to trade places when the damaged heart bleeds. May our pain be the strength we need it to be to help us on this winding road. May our hearts mend by holding the hands of the people that love us and who we allow to love us in return. We may not have many but if we have even one that does not let you face life alone it is worth it. Time is not something we have but in the moments that we have let the ones that believe in you help to stop your bleeding heart.

Titles

Mother, father, sister, brother, friend and the list goes on.  Who we are to each other .. the title we came to this earth with.  But those titles also came with the expectation of how one should be towards us.   We expect a mothers love to be unconditional but there are mothers out there that don’t treat their children with that kind of love and we are forced to abide by it because of the title.  We expect brothers and sisters to be there for us on our journey but that don’t happen sometimes.. We expect our friends to always be our friends and show the true meaning of the word but that don’t happen either.

I have seen people question love when it is right in front of them.. I have seen people give misguided loyalty to others.  I have seen the outpouring of hearts only for it to be taken for granted.. I have seen people try so hard to convince others of what they feel but for it to be shut down.  The truth is we expect people to the think the way we do.  We expect others sometimes to love the way we do.  Understanding minds are so complex at times because the mind are connected to all the emotions buried so deeply inside.

One said when we don’t expect anything we are never disappointed.  I am not sure how we can get there .. that takes so much work to step out of the expectancy of others be it our parents, brothers, sisters or friends.  When they hurt us deeply it is because they have not given what we expected, because we form in our minds how these “titles” are supposed to treat us.

But who are we really ?  remove the titles .. we are souls on a journey to self.  Every single one of us.  None is better than the other.. just on a different stage in our journey.  We are always teaching someone .. most times we teach people how to treat us.  By things we accept.. by things we allow.  We are sometimes disloyal to the ones that truly love us for the ones that don’t.   But how can we not expect?  How can we detach from those expectations strong enough that whenever someone does something it does not affect us.

Are we really alone on this journey?   When we view everyone as teachers regardless of the “titles” we realize that they are the ones that push us on our way.  When they make you question who you are.. when they question your love .. when they make you feel less of yourself.. when they weren’t there for you in your times of need.. The lessons it brings are huge.  We all have the same story in our lives one way or the other.. I have heard countless people say “strangers have done for me what my family didn’t”.  But we all have a story like that.  In the end .. the universe brought you what you needed at the time to move along on your journey.

We sometimes never forget those hurts.. we choose to judge based on what we think we know instead of trying to understand the true intentions of others.  We sometimes don’t give others a chance to explain but we expect others to allow us that right.  Everyone wants to be understood but how many take the time too regardless of who the other person is.  Actions speak volumes they say and we can surely judge by the actions what someone conveys, but not all times it is so.  Everyone is fighting their own demons and most times alone.

With the virus that globally spread we are forced to go back to basics .. we are forced to do without the things we are accustom too .. without the luxuries .. without even being able to breathe in the ocean air.. we are confined.. restricted .. fearful.  We can never survive in a fear based world.. but what we are seeing is that most people are now working together to stop something regardless of colour, creed or race.  We are forced to cook rather than buy take out .. we are forced to come up with new ways to spend time.. we are forced to see the value of our jobs .. our home and our families.

So no matter what the title is .. remember that everyone is showing us something.  What energy we allow in our space.. on our journey home there will be the ones with titles and the ones without, each has its own role.  Be compassionate and understanding and know that our crisis is never wasted.. it helps us to the very core of ourselves.

Be safe out there

Words

I love you, I need you, I want you,  I care about you.  We hear them, we feel them,  we crave it sometimes.  How long is it meant for ?  A reason, a season, a lifetime? What does it mean when it makes you feel so wanted one minute and so empty the next.  Sometimes in the same breath it have so many meanings.. I love you but you are like superman’s kryptonite.. I need you but I need to leave you.

One of the songs closest to my heart “A beautiful Disaster”   because that is how some make you feel.   You are so beautiful but unworthy of being loved.. Unworthy of going against all odds.  Unworthy of feeling the depth of love long enough for the fears to fade.  So much surfaces when people make decisions for you.  Sometimes they do mean well .. and their level of care stems from the uncertainty within but how they do no not realize how vast feelings are.

To be told you are so deep that you cannot be loved.  Do you change ?  do you become shallow to serve others ?  Do you become lonely in your own world?.  Do you step back from life ?  from others ?.  I smile sometimes when I sit back and watch people being told .. “you need to find someone that deserves you” .. Easy isn’t it ?  Just walk out there and pick from among the people you see out there .. Hey, come love me cause you deserve me.  It does not work that way.  Connections happen for a reason.. it is there to help you on that journey,  it is there to help you overcome fears, fighting that fight within that we all have.

New disasters,  we will find them everywhere we turn..  Our soul begging for that feeling but when we are faced with it .. we run from it..   So where does that leave the words being said?  There isn’t much you can do is it ?  You are always a victim of someone else’s decisions.  Deserving or not .. the pain that is left in your heart remains for the rest of your life.  Time sometimes fade it .. but will always be there .. that feeling they left you with.  Justified or not .. if we don’t learn to work things out .. talk things out.. find solutions together and wage war on the path ahead together .. we will constantly keep repeating patterns.

Funny how we define who is worthy or not .. our mistakes don’t define us .. our past don’t define us.. what defines us is that unconditional part of us that shows others they matter.. regardless of what .. they matter .. A soul walking around on this earth .. sometimes lonely .. they matter .. the experiences, the mistakes bring us to who we truly are.  In our darkest moments we find our greatest strengths.  Someone told me “No thoughts, no fears, no time, no reality .. we just exist .. regardless.. there is power in that .. find it and use it to face anything that comes in your way.

 

Scars

Today, 43 years ago on independence day.. I remember vaguely standing in the back seat of our car that was parked on the side of the road.  Suddenly a drunken driver hit our car from behind with his truck that pitched us into a post .. the car wrapping around making it difficult for us to escape.  The glass from the windshield cut my face just above my lip so much that the flesh was open and I was about to pull it .  I did not know better at the tender age of 4.  My dad held my hand back just in time.. even though he had broken ribs his eyes never left me.

People were trying to get  the door open .. my brother and sister escaping without any injuries..but the rest of us so many different injuries.  My mother with blood on her hands holding on to someone on the street begging to take her children to the hospital.  A lawyer “Mr Benjamin”  stopped and before we knew it was on our way to the hospital.  So many names we can call that day hearing the stories from my parents over the years.

I remember waking up in the hospital and the first thing I said was .. I want to see my daddy,  then I asked to see my sister.. they took me to them.. I had no idea where everyone was .. feeling lost.  I sometimes question till today why us .. we were parked.  A man who decided to be intoxicated could have killed us all in a split second.  But with the grace of God.. we survived.  I grew up with a scar on my face .. sometimes I wished it was never there .. almost gone now but the memory scarred in my mind.

I remember some years after finding the man that drove that truck .. he was selling newspapers for a living.. I went to his shop and asked him .. ” do you remember me?”  he said no .. I answered.. “I am the four year old little girl that was in the back seat of my parents car the day you decided to drink and drive”.  His head hung low.

We often don’t understand the jeopardy we put others in by being selfish.  We often think nothing is going to happen so we do not take precautions.  We assume we are good people so nothing cannot happen to us.  I lived with a scar .. and I have had other accidents but what I endured is a lot less than what some of you out there have endured.

Our stories just gives us the courage to find the strength we know we have.  I grew up looking at others with flawless skin.. wishing why could that not be me.  Wishing that I did not have to answer the questions I always get .. “Where did you get that scar?.. Now  I do not mind it.. Some would even say you know I never noticed you had a scar.

Scars are always reminders that you survived .. that is the physical ones .. what about the emotional ones ?  the ones that do not leave us?  the ones that are buried so deep that we walk around with it everyday not healing it.  Not allowing it to fuel our strength.  We all have them.  Let the scars be the beauty that shapes you.

I had someone tell me today “maybe I am ugly” that is why I am alone.  What is most important to sometimes understand is how you view yourself is how the world is going to view you.  Scars.. beautiful, handsome or not .. the universe responds to you.  That love you have for yourself that goes beyond those scars.. that strength you found in yourself in spite of it is the beauty most people seek .. Rise above the scars .. emotional or physical and never allow it to determine who you truly are.. There is beauty in every soul.

To every person that was there with us 43 years ago .. the ones that helped take us out the car,  the ones that drove us to the hospital,  every stranger that helped us in every little way .. I say “thank you ”  To the ones that have passed on .. May your souls rest in peace.

 

Heartstrings

How the chords from the different instruments tug at your heart sometimes. Heartstrings I call them. When one can play so beautifully that it plays on not only your heart but your soul. It takes you back to that familiar feeling, so many memories of loved ones that surfaces. The hands clasped, the head sways, the waterfilled eyes.

I came across a few instrumental pieces that took me back to the days of my father. It made me remember not only the person he was but the humbleness of his soul. I like to think I learnt from him. His words never leave my mind. So much wisdom in the old souls. The music tugged at my heartstrings, it brought back the lessons, it brought him to the forefront of my mind. I would sit and watch him say his prayers on a chair, not in a temple, not in a church, not in a mosque but a cushioned chair, his hands in front of him, his eyes closed but still revealing his heart.

I would sometimes interrupt him, parting his hands and finding my way between them, sitting on his lap, thumb popping in my mouth as I found my comfort zone.. playing with his ear. He would slowly bring his hand back together in front of him holding me in his prayer. Heartstrings, he played it so well.

My glance would go across to my mother, sitting at her sewing machine, lost in her passion but the music still made her head sway from side to side.
Beautiful memories, the mixed feeling of love and loneliness that it stirs in a child’s heart. How the closing of the eyes makes you relive all those moments.

Not every piece plays on you but the special pieces that tells its own story. It brings up so many emotions all at once. All this by a few chords, all this by the passion of someone trying to bring out just that in you. How beautiful is the music of the soul. We are so magnificent in our own way. Let the music take your soul and help you to reveal your passion. Find your song, paint on your own canvas and create beauty everywhere you go.

Morning thoughts for me as the headphones in my ear helps me to write my own words. I miss them.. but these chords help me to feel, help me to remember the beauty of their souls and how amazingly lucky I am to have them as parents. I am grateful for each chord that plays on my heart.. it brings to me where I have been to where I am now.. that beautiful journey.

When next you play that music and it takes you back .. I hope it makes your heart smile as it did mines. I would leave a link here to just one of them 😊 I hope it helps you relax as it does me.

 

Battles

I had to face one of the hardest things yesterday, the funeral of one of my dearest friends.  We were friends  since I was at the tender age of 17.  Her battle with leukemia started from February of this year but I am afraid the battles that manifested this started long before.  It is amazing how we are faced with people that try so hard to smile when the world inside crumbles. They sacrifice to make others around very happy so they swallow their pain.

I watched this beautiful soul battle this everyday with a smile on her face, facing adversity with so much positivity and most of all keeping the faith that she would have come out of this and be pain free.  Unfortunately for the ones that are left behind on this earth we are the ones with the pain and the sorrow but also with the lessons she taught us.  Again the lesson we all seem to forget.. the lesson that time is not ours.

Her battle started not with the diagnosis but with the years leading up to that diagnosis.  Over the years the pain she held inside and the battles she faced within manifested itself.  How many of us do this.  How many of us stop living to please others ?  How many of us sacrifice our own soul and happiness for others.   We go by everyday in a routine hoping that what we do is accepted and enough for others but when that isn’t enough and people change around us our world comes crumbling.

We have people that use the word love so easily but when pain starts they are no where to be seen.   When the sick battles their own demons and we allow them to stay alone in pain, how can one live with that?  There is a saying “What misses us don’t pass us”.  When we lack compassion for human beings .. we create karma on ourselves.  I watched this beautiful soul battle her trials, battle her illness sometimes alone.  I watched people that said that they love her leave her in the most desperate time of her life.

Watching that made me realize yet again that change is constant.  We are ever changing .. what we want today is not what we may want tomorrow.  She was heartbroken .. she was ill but she held on to things that didn’t serve her.  She held on to the  hope in someone that could not help her soul to survive.  They say that everything in God’s timing and I believe that to a point but I also believe we are responsible for creating our lives by the thoughts and decisions we make.  We have the canvas.. we are the ones doing our own painting.

The cycle of life is so unpredictable and time is never ours.  Detachment to the outcome they say is key.  We feed our bodies with the pain and suffering we hold inside.   Are these people worth it ?  Are they worth our health ?  No they are not.  We are not in control of anyone but ourselves.. Let us take control of who we are and not allow them to tarnish our soul or to dictate where we are in life.

Rest in peace my beautiful friend .. your journey is not over yet.. we will meet again

 

Chasing a feeling

When we lose someone, when we break up with someone or someone leave our lives ..why does it sometimes hurt to the point where we think we cannot get over it or the person?  Why do we believe that we will take forever to move on.   Why?  I think I understand why.. we remember how the person made us feel.  We remember how much we felt in the heights of passion and intimacy and we chase that feeling.  Not necessarily the person most times, but how much they made us feel .. how much they made us feel alive.

When they leave they break so many things.. our trust .. our smile.. our love that we are not able to invite it in again, and if we do, the other person pays for our fears.. We make decisions, we fear feeling this hurt again so we spend all our lives not allowing.  We miss the opportunities that knock and we steer clear of anything to do with love.  Our armors, our walls go up higher than they were before.

I know it all too well but on that broken road lies so many things that helps us to form who we truly are.  Help us to understand who we are and most importantly help us to grow stronger if we can just hold on to the reigns.  That feeling is what we want.. that feeling of being loved,  that feeling of being understood and more so that feeling of intimacy.  Some stay in that feeling even though the other party does not give back because they hold on to the days that they do feel cherished.  They overlook everything that person does just to hold on to that feeling that make them feel good for a day of two.

What about the ones that had months of great times, laughs, days filled of love and intimacy only to be told “I don’t love you anymore”  and you are left to move on wondering what happened, what you did wrong.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  People are wrapped up in themselves, in their own lives and they lack compassion for others.  Sad but so true.

When we close off the world .. we close of the feeling from ever returning or even being reciprocated in the most beautiful way from the ones that is willing to give us that.  We get so hung up on the person that we forget that it exist out there.  The universe will bring you that which you believe you deserve.  If we believe we deserve one sided love .. then that is what is going to be served.  If we believe that someone will come in and you will have all that you ever want not just the feeling .. then that will be served.

Nothing is harder than watching someone you are in love with treat you with no respect, unkindness and lack of care but in doing that they send you a message.  The message of what we allow for ourselves.   On my journey I  thought many times”I don’t know what I want but I am positive about what I don’t want,.”   We all are positive about what we don’t want,  let us get clear on what we do want and manifest that.

All roads lead somewhere we just have to trust the journey ..  Let us not chase a feeling.. that feeling that we truly want starts with self love.   I am thankful for the ones that walked in and left .. the heartbreak was enormous but in that abandonment showed me what I allowed for myself.  I allowed others to use my kindness, my love, my care when I knew that I didn’t deserve how they treated me.  I allowed it for the sake of love, for the sake of intimacy  just to feel that feeling.  Just to feel loved.

Open your heart to the universe that is filled of unknown miracles.  Bring life to those miracles by believing and trusting your own worth.  Allow those feelings you do want to step in without the barriers.. without the fears.  It is hard.. we are still learning and scared to feel those tears again but it is time to let what we really deserve to come in.. We don’t have all the answers but the feeling of unconditional love is the only feeling that we should accept.  Be unconditional in our love for others and watch how it gets reflected back to us.   The only thing we should be chasing is new ways to shine 🙂

 

 

A Beautiful Disaster

I came across these words a long time ago never thinking that we all find ourselves in a beautiful mess/disaster sometimes more than once in our lives.  How the sweet pain sometimes play with your happily ever after fairytale.  How the boundaries you set for yourselves and for your life sometimes get threatened by truth.  How the universe throws things in your way that rock the very core of you.. changes your belief system and make you submit to that which lies deep within you.

How else can you live?  Running.. such a natural thing for us humans to do..  Some stay in relationships hiding, bottling, being so afraid to say what they feel.  Some are afraid to step on toes or give the other too much to think about.  Sometimes the intensity too much to bear.. how can these intensities happen ?  how can you feel so much ?  Why is this happening when you cannot do anything about it ?

Sometimes we have to understand what is illusion and what is reality.. merely a perception really.  Some say this world is an illusion .. but aren’t we bound by physicality ?  when we can touch it means it is real.  When we can’t touch it we consider it fantasy.  But I always asked the question why does your soul feel at home in the fantasy than in reality ?  The mind does not know the difference.

When our beautiful disasters happen and most times it happens where you are urged to feel more than touch .. it takes us beyond our own reality.  We are transported to the realm of our soul.. where we feel at home.  We have our everyday lives and then something happens.. someone walks in and shakes that up.  Is it a test ?  is it temptation ?  what is it?  We grow .. we are forced to make decisions.. we are forced to “stand”.  It is the beautiful disasters that shape us into who we are meant to be.

Without it .. we are stuck in other people’s truth.. we are stuck in the belief system we were taught from birth.  We deny our truth.  We won’t grow.   We all have to work through our own storms till we reach the day when someone says to you “the storm is coming.. you can reply “I am the storm”.  The fears we hold within are there for us to heal.  It is put there by circumstances and experiences  that created that fear.. It is up to us to heal the scars it causes.  It takes time but Rome was not built in a day.

Hold on to your beautiful disasters.  Trust they will rock your core.. but also trust that it will shape the beautiful soul you are meant to be.

Influences

Someone told me today about influences.. the negative kind.  A wise woman, known her for years .. she is always my voice of reason most times.  She said everyone contributes to the mass consciousness of the world by our thoughts and vibrations.  She said if you narrow that down to your own life and the people around you it is the same thing.

If you have a home where the majority of the people are negative, controlling, manipulative, that will have an impact on you and most times not positively.  It will drain you, get you ill, you will have mood swings, not much clarity and so many different things can happen.  Same with people of light.. if you have most of those type of people around you they will boost your energy, they will give you hope, they will help you to be the best version of yourself, you will feel alive.

What do we do when we cannot get rid of those around us ?  We have to build ourselves, we have to become aware of the impact they have on us.  We have to be aware of what are our thoughts and the thoughts that feed on fear.   Most times we make decisions based on either love or fear.  When we fear anything it becomes a reality but when we align ourselves with our vision of how we want our lives to be then we are the creators of our lives.

Becoming aware of our own energies, taking responsibility for our own thoughts as well as finding ways to get rid of  our fears is the only way to bring ourselves to the realization that we do not have to be influenced by darkness.  We do not have to allow others to steal our joy or steal our energies.  I lived through it and most of us go through this. We have it in our jobs, our homes even when we go to social gatherings.  We become sometimes like the people we spend most of our time with.  That is because we are sometimes sucked in by them and their mentalities.  We sometimes don’t even realize this until we lose ourselves.

Finding a common ground is hard to do.. We battle with what is morally right, what we need to do to keep peace and what we need to do for others to keep us at peace.  But in reality what we are doing is setting ourselves up for unhappiness within.  Some actually think that is ok because we sacrifice for the people.. one big mistake though .. we can never love others or allow them to love us if we don’t first love ourselves.  Respect comes in all forms .. when we choose to control others, make them live under a microscope we project our own insecurities on them thus allowing others to pull back not really move forward. We pour our energies on them and stop them from even becoming a better version of themselves.

Become aware of the projections of the people around you.  If you cannot remove yourself from it become light itself so much so that the dark energies cannot hamper you.  Protect your thoughts, protect the sacredness within you and be the best version of yourself.   Some pour themselves into getting busy so it takes their mind off facing reality.  Time isn’t ours.  We learn that the hard way sometimes and as time passes we take that same lesson for granted.

Trials, temptations, disappointments all these are helps instead of hindrances if one uses them rightly.  We are not separate from our own karma.  What we give to others will for sure reach back to us.  Be aware of how you want to live within yourself .. be aware of the things and people that drain you.  But most of all raise yourself so that even if you are around them that you are able to block that energy.  Find yourself spending time with the ones that uplift you,  the ones that help you to see the beauty in yourself and those that you don’t have to question their love.  It is felt within.